The articles and fragments from the books
Chapter 2.5 from a book The Mind of a Winner
(The EFSI Intro Seminar)
Placing "above" and "below"
Author: Sergey Kronin
2.5.2. The criteria of "placings": basement of self-respect and
right for personal opinion
Surely, placing "below" is very effective in some confined professional contexts, for example some special forms of psychotherapy. It’s clear: a client should feel comfortable and psychotherapist should not hold him under; otherwise how a client can say what he is anxious about. However it were a great mistake to transfer therapeutic placing (when we syntonize on other man’s values, semantics and rhythm voluntary) to other contexts of ordinary communication. Most people do not understand that, but exactly "professional" placing "below" is a reason of impossibility of reaching own aims and as result self-realizing in life.
If we remember that communication is a game for holding initiative, it becomes clear that if you have "lied down under opponent" in such way that you have begun to repeat his postures, to speak and breathe in his rhythm, it actually designates total loss of your even own body sensations. So you have admitted his significance more important than your own, you have voluntary given him initiative. Don’t conceit yourself with illusions that your opponent has become more conversable: he has just given up to sensate a deserving competitioner in you. In actual fact he has lost all respect to you and began to use you as a comfortable person in order to think audibly about result of a conversation that he is interested in. If we heed the fact that any habit is becoming to be fixed on the level of physiology and mind programs, we will find that if a man begins to play in a game of placing "below" in behalf of better rapport, he gradually loses any ability to interact with people in other way. As a result, all his life, affairs become by degress a devotion to someone, realization of someone’s tasks but not his own. People who place in communication in such way often say that after such "placing" they start to lead. They may think whatever they want, but when a man has already held placing "below" he automatically begins to play on opponent’s rules without even understanding this fact. All it all, they may think that they lead their opponent somewhere. Actually they lead him to the fast realization of his tasks but not their own. As far as at that moment they lose themselves, and it occur a replacement of aims which is invisible for them, and they are sure that opponent’s interest is their own.
In this connection, it is important to understand that real life and "life in laboratory conditions" are different things. People may hate, fear, love, be anxious about a man who places "above", but they acknowledge him as individuality and respect him. Moreover when an important decision is making this man will be firstly counted, he will get social prize. People may love a man who places "below", find him as a bright and interesting companion, but they will not respect him as a personality. It is nice to talk with him not because he is a individuality but he is very useful as a listener for telling him own thoughts. That’s why as far as people do not respect this man, when it comes to the serious decision on profit distribution or any other important issue they remember about him only at last moment. Even if all work was done by this person, all bonuses will be divided between those who place "above", and those who place "below" will get only the rest.
It should be understood, that placing "below" is accepted by people as a lack of self-respect. A man who does not respect himself does not deserve to be respected by the others – he is not a personality for them. In my praxis I get used to reckon with consequences of this hurtful habit of placing "below", when an "aggrieved" man is complaining about inequity, saying that he was "betrayed" or people do not respect him. Such man does not understand that he has generated this effect firstly by his habit of permanent placing "below" even from the best motives.
So, every man who has a task to realize all his potential in social life, to express all his individuality in society, has to make a choice either to expostulate on inequity of people, being occupied by deciding and listening of problems of the others, or to apply all his skills for realizing own aims and wishes. I think it’s clear that for the last purpose it is necessary to learn how to hold a leadership position during communicating with other people.
It is necessary to mark such thing. When a man makes something for other people from placing "below", whatever motives he has, they will never esteem all his sacrifices and efforts but they will take it as a normal thing, often scorning. So, at all severity of the law about placings "below" and "above", exactly placing "above" gives an opportunity to make clear for the others what you are doing for them. In this case only it can be talked about gratefulness.
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